cat named pig

Matt hates how bad my hearing is. I’m constantly asking him to repeat stuff, or just plain hearing it totally wrong.

Like just now, for example, when I overheard him talking to Siena, who was watching a travel show about Paris on public television. (That’s right, my daughter chose to spend her Saturday afternoon watching a TPT travel program about Paris. And also one about Barcelona. I consider all my goals as a parent officially accomplished.)

So when the show featured a nightclub with cancan dancers, I thought I heard Matt say:

“When this is over, I’ll let you watch a movie about Paris called Moulin Rouge that has lots of singing and dancing like this.”

Needless to say, I was shocked. I flew into the room shaking my head and gesturing at Siena, who was curled up in the armchair by the TV.

“Moulin Rouge? No way — she’s WAY too young for that!”

Matt rolled his eyes and peevishly repeated what he had actually said, which was:

“WHEN YOU’RE OLDER, I’ll let you watch a movie about Paris called Moulin Rouge.”

He then glared at me until I apologized. Well, excuuuuse me for not wanting to explain to my five-year-old what a prostitute is. Or why Nicole Kidman keeps coughing blood into her handkerchief.

Coolest. Thing. Ever.

Sent to me by my mom, who is also pretty cool and who has a birthday this week. Happy birthday, Mom! I love you!

And for everyone (both of you) reading who is NOT my mom, enjoy:

Presenting. . .

Plastic Step Stool Mini-Golf! The ultimate in fun-on-a-budget! (Step stool from Target’s dollar aisle. Plastic balls from long-deceased ball-sorting toy.)

And then there’s this:

I made the mistake of letting Siena observe me playing Tetris, which led to the mistake of letting her play Tetris, which turned out to be the parenting equivalent of letting her borrow my crack pipe, because now she’s hooked. And we’re having lots of conversations about Tetris, which all sound roughly like this:

“Maaamaaaaaaaa. . . .”

“Yes, Sweetie?”

“Can I please play that game with the shapes and you make them disappear? Please, Mama? Please? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?”

[Stalling as I try to finish what I'm doing on the computer, because I already know how the conversation will end.]

“Ummm. . . What game?”

“YOU know. The really awesome one that you showed me. TERTIS.”

“TET-ris?”

“Yeah, Tetris. TETRIS! YEAH! SO CAN I?? PLEASE?!? PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPL–”

“YES. Fine. But only for twenty minutes. Then I need the computer for work stuff.”

[Repeat at least every two hours, or any time it's been more than ten minutes after I wrestle the computer away from her, suffering permanent hearing loss in the process.]

I have been called out, both by readers and by my advertising network (Did you notice the ads in the sidebar? Click them and I might be able to buy a latte once a month or so!) for not updating in more than two weeks. What kind of mommyblogger doesn’t post adorable Christmas photos the minute the last gift is unwrapped? Answer: the kind that’s too busy drinking Champagne and shoveling Christmas cookies into her mouth as fast as humanly possible, that’s what kind. And I will not apologize for that prioritization, either. But I will apologize for the fact that the last thing I posted, lo these many cold winter days, was a story about cat barf. If you were checking for adorable Christmas photos and had to keep seeing that instead, I am truly sorry. And if you didn’t care either way and still don’t, well, feel free to grab a glass and join me on the couch. The Christmas cookies are all gone, but there are still a few cupcakes left from New Year’s Eve. And plenty of wine in the box.

[Side note: Matt and I are conducting a highly scientific study of Boxed Wines. This will take many evenings of research until we arrive at an acceptable house red and house white. Please leave your favorite in the comments, if you have one. Seriously. Tell us. It's for Science.]

And now, allow me to redeem myself for the cat barf story and for all this un-motherly talk of cheap wine, by FINALLY posting some Christmas photos:

I gave Siena my American Girl Samantha doll from when I was younger. We gave Elliot a book with CD, one of a series that he is absolutely obsessed with. Siena’s eyes filled with tears when she opened the doll. I don’t think I even need to tell you what that did to me.

Making the traditional Christmas Eve Pizza with Grandma. Every year my mom brings over all the ingredients, the kids “help” assemble them, and we stuff ourselves silly on the world’s most delicious pizza. This year the kids also took everyone’s orders for toppings, each with a little notebook and pen. Siena’s list said: “Shrimp, FADA, olivs” (shrimp, feta, olives) and Elliot’s list said: “O O X T E E E I” which I’m pretty sure is Robot for “plain cheese.”

Santa brought the requested magnifying glasses, as well as Wall-E’s gal pal Eve. They spend most of their time sitting on the piano and talking to each other loudly, usually when I’m trying to carry on a phone conversation. The magnifying glasses, it turns out, are the best $3.99 (each) I’ve ever spent. I mean, that Santa has ever spent. Of course. Endless “clues” are unearthed and things are examined closely wherever we go.

It snowed so much Christmas Day that we decided not to drive two hours to Matt’s parents’ house. Fortunately, my dad had  blocks to play with and he had prepared enough food for a wedding reception, so our Plan B worked out just great.

Then we got together with Matt’s family the following day. Siena got a laptop and then spent most of the day updating her Facebook status and blogging about how her mom wouldn’t stop eating cookies.

And now I’m trying to resist the urge to say something cute and wrappy-uppy like “All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas.” Instead, I think I’ll go have a cupcake.

We have the dubious distinction of owning the dumbest cat ever to breathe air. [Warning: this post NSFL (Not Safe For Lunch) -- if you're eating while you read, you might want to come back later.]

Here’s what I DON’T want to deal with before 7:00 a.m., ever again:

Pig scarfs down her breakfast, then heads to the dining table to chow on whatever the kids have left in their cereal bowls, then immediately barfs it all back up. Onto the table runner on our dining table, because OF COURSE.

But she doesn’t stop there. She promptly begins eating the regurgitated mess as fast as she can, because, again, OF COURSE. Who wouldn’t want to eat their own vomit? Never mind that it obviously didn’t work out so well the first time around — why not try again? You wouldn’t want to let that meal go to waste.

But here’s the best part: in her haste (excitement? Pig: “Sweet! More food!”) to re-eat her cat chow and stolen Kashi, she also eats a hole into the table runner. A baseball-sized hole. HOW DO YOU INGEST THAT MUCH FABRIC WITHOUT NOTICING? Or did she notice and just not care, because “Hey! Sweet! More food!”

Yeah. Not even for sale. You can totally just have her. For free.

Hoo boy. I think this is the longest I’ve ever gone without updating. And I’d like to say that I’ve been busy doing important, life-dream-fulfilling and community-bettering types of things with the time that I normally use to blog, but in reality, all that time has gone to vampires. Seriously, all of it.

I seem to be having a sort of mid-life (one-third-life?) crisis that makes me act like a teenager, staying up waaaaay too late reading first the Twilight series and then the Sookie Stackhouse mysteries (HBO’s TrueBlood is based on these). I made Matt reopen our long-expired Blockbuster account to rent the movie version of Twilight, because I just couldn’t wait for it to come in the mail from Netflix. (I had to watch it before I went to the theater to see New Moon, obviously.) And then all this week, we’ve also been watching the Vampire Diaries Marathon on the CW.*

Needless to say, I am not proud of any of this.

A year ago, I would have totally made fun of anyone over the age of seventeen who was this thoroughly on board the Vampire Train. But I have to admit, this stuff takes up exactly the right amount of brain space at the end of a long day of bundling Elliot in and out of his snowsuit, playing Goodnight Moon the board game (seriously, who turns a soporific bedtime story into a game, for crying out loud, and expects it to be entertaining? Yet Elliot, strange child, seems to enjoy it), and trying to peel clementines fast enough to keep up with the demand.

The holidays are definitely the Busy Season in my job as a housewife (the very funny Julia used the phrase “Housewife Midterms” a while ago and I keep thinking of it as I add yet another item to my To Do/Buy/Wrap/Clean List). But it’s fun to be busy with gifts and cookies and making the kids’ holiday decorating look less, well, less like it was done by kids. I might even mail some holiday cards as early as tomorrow, which would be a personal record. (Although, now that I wrote that, it is equally likely that I will watch TV for two hours tonight before reading Club Dead into the wee hours, willfully ignoring the pile of unaddressed envelopes until New Year’s Eve.)

So that’s what’s going on with me. What have you been up to this December?

…..

*To give you an idea of just how teenager-y I’ve become, I actually found myself complaining out loud this week because So You Think You Can Dance and The Vampire Diaries were on at the same time. This is not a problem I would have had a year ago.

Every year, we have the kids dictate letters to Santa. This year, Siena wrote her own, complete with phonetic spelling and inventive punctuation. Elliot dictated his and then signed it with a bunch of capital E’s. Because if one is good, several more are better. Kind of how I feel about chocolates, or hundred dollar bills.

Anyway, here are their letters, painstakingly tapped out with two fingers onto my iPhone (random capital letters by Elliot and extraneous hyphens and apostrophes by Siena included as seen in the originals).

Elliot:

Dear Santa,

I have a Wall-e and I want Eve. I have been a good boy. I I OOO t
E E E EVE

Siena:

Dear Santa,
I want ‘ Eve. I want my one [read: own] computer. And I also want a magniflying glass. I love- you.

Love – Siena

Yeah. I think they’re getting Wall-e’s girlfriend Eve. And I don’t think Siena’s getting her own computer, although it would be kind of nice not to be pestered about PBSKids.org while I’m doing something important. Like scanning Facebook and giving the thumb’s up to people’s pictures of kids in holiday outfits, while ignoring the fact that I still need to order our stupid holiday cards that I made back in October and even bragged about in a fit of smugness on this very blog, before ignoring their existence for six weeks and oh, crap, they’re going to be late again and WHEN will I learn? Smug never works out for me.

Siena was sick last week and missed school all three days before the Thanksgiving holiday. (The less said about that time of grouchiness and frustration the better.) She went back to school yesterday, and last night at dinner we asked her how it was to be back.

Since boring parental-type questions (like “how was your day?”) tend to elicit bored teenager-type answers from her (like “good” or “OK” or “fine – can I have the car keys?”) I’ve learned to ask specific questions. I started out with the tried-and-true “What was the first thing that happened when you got to school?”

This was Siena’s response:

“Well, as soon as I came into the classroom, all the kids jumped up and ran over to give me a hug and they were all swarming around me and it was all crazy so I said ‘Whoa, give me a high five or one of these’ [she proceeded to pantomime bumping knuckles and then pulling her hand back to explode it] and most of the kids didn’t know what that was so they gave me high fives, but one kid knew and he helped me show the others how to do it.”

So I’m picturing my five-year-old surrounded by a bunch of friends giving her high fives and bumping knuckles (and exploding it — here’s a more detailed explanation, Dad, since you have no idea what I’m talking about right now) to welcome her back to school after missing a week, and it is pretty much the best mental image I’ve had in quite some time.

In summary: kids are awesome, and obviously my work as a parent speaks for itself if a fist bump is her preferred method of greeting her classmates.

…..

[Full disclosure: I can’t actually take credit for teaching her to pound it and explode it. I clearly recall some of my younger cousins instructing her in the technique at a family reunion a couple of years ago. But I will go ahead and take some credit for the heightened sense of ROCKSTAR that compels her to still use it two years later, and with such aplomb.]

. . . you get free tickets to the musical Grease for a Wednesday night and you’re disappointed because you don’t want to be out late on a school night. (Even though it’s your kid’s school night, not yours. But you still have to deal with getting that kid out the door in the morning, which takes eight hours’ sleep and a pot of coffee. At the very least.)

. . . you can’t find anything clean to wear to Grease because, despite having done five loads of laundry this week, you still have not gotten all the kids’ dirty stuff washed before starting on your own.

. . . while watching the musical, you feel a twinge of sympathy for Sandy’s parents at the end when she transforms from goody-two-shoes to cigarette-smoking, skintight-legging-wearing, teased-hair tramp. (Her poor parents, you might think to yourself as she struts around the stage in her shiny spandex pants, I bet they’re so disappointed that she completely changed herself for some guy. I hope my daughter never does that.)

Apparently I no longer identify with the high schoolers and now I identify with their parents instead. From here, it’s just one long downhill slide into being a grouchy old lady yelling at those darn kids to keep off my lawn and not understanding how these newfangled telephones work.

In which I reveal my idiocy for your entertainment. Once again.

I realize it’s only Wednesday, so of course, there’s still plenty of time for bigger, more dramatic parenting FAILS, but the last couple days have just been a little off. Witness:

1.  Sending a whole apple to school for snack for a child with one missing tooth and one loose one.

2.  Giving same child stern lecture on need to keep better track of personal possessions (i.e. brand new mittens) while at school, only to reach into backpack and pull out missing mitten.

3.  Leaving small child’s extremely wet and messy handprint turkey at Spanish class. I am actually OK with this one, given the aforementioned wet-and-messiness, but he will be upset when he realizes it.

4.  Asking child’s Spanish teacher, in Spanish, if there is a place to change diapers. Except I say “handkerchiefs” instead of “diapers.” And, as I’m asking, I reflexively use the baby sign-language sign for “change diaper handkerchief” because I think it is somehow helping me communicate. (Note to self: It’s not. And you look like an idiot.)

5.  Falling, once again, for the fallacy that sunny skies automatically equal a warm day. Failing to dress anyone adequately for leaving the house, and failing to leave enough time to scrape frost off windshield, making us almost late to the Spanish Class of Forgetfulness and Humiliation. STUPID WEATHER. You continue to mess with me.

There are more, there are always more, but the small child is awake from his nap now and I have to go try not to screw up getting his snack and changing his handkerchief diaper.