I’m not a narcissist; I’m just a REALLY fascinating person
February 17th, 2009
Yesterday I came across this article about Facebook (specifically about the “25 Random Things” notes currently going around Facebook faster than a cold travels through a preschool). I am always interested in these discussions about social network sites, or blogging, or how the Information Age is destroying social decency or what have you. I’m interested, but I’m also rolling my eyes the whole time as I read stuff like this.
I don’t see Facebook, blogs or the internet as the destructive forces some would make them out to be. I do think it’s great to analyze, to cast a critical eye on the role of these internet phenomena in our lives. What does it say about our society, that some of us post what we had for breakfast on Facebook or Twitter, and that others of us read it? By all means, ask the question. But please, try to come up with an answer more original than the shrill cry of “NARCISSISM!” (followed by “voyeurism!”) that seems to be everyone’s first response.
I see Twitter and Facebook status updates as brief glimpses into what is on someone’s mind at a particular moment. If I tweet about what I had for breakfast, it’s because it was really good that day and it’s probably the first thing I would tell you about if you called me. I’m just that into my breakfast foods. I don’t expect masses of people to be riveted by the news, any more than I expect anyone to be riveted by my blog posts about doctor’s appointments or the time the cat was sitting on me and got up and moved to Matt’s lap. I put this stuff online because I think it might be funny, or because you might also be obsessed with French toast and then you can write on my wall: “OMG! I love French toast so much! YUM!” and then you and I will have had a brief connection that we would not otherwise have had that day. I enjoy those brief connections. (Judging from the BAZILLION users of social networking sites, I am not alone.)
Sure, when I write my 25 Things list, I am implying that I think I have that many interesting tidbits to share. But that’s OK. I think I’m an interesting person. I think you are, too. I like reading other people’s lists and leaving comments. It’s fun to read things about friends that might not have come up in conversation. It doesn’t mean we’re all self-obsessed egomaniacs. I mean, we’re all reading and commenting on each other’s lists, right? Not just endlessly re-reading our own.
And here’s the important thing about all of these online interactions, including and especially the 25 Things lists: they’re completely optional. A coworker corners you and tells you twenty-five meaningless things about her morning? You’re trapped, and socially obligated to listen and nod politely. Someone posts twenty-five things on Facebook, or blogs about nothing? If you’re not intrigued, just ignore it. I only read the updates of the people I find genuinely interesting online, not all the ones that are out there. And if you’re not interested in what I’m typing, you owe it to yourself to look elsewhere.
A final point: these chain-letter lists of “Things About Me” have been showing up as forwards in my inbox as long as I’ve had an email account. And when I helped my mom clean out my old room at her house, I went through boxes upon boxes of school projects she had saved. For each year of elementary school, there was at least one page entitled “All About Me” followed by a list of questions such as “favorite animal” or “when I grow up, I want to be ___.” This is not a new phenomenon, any more than it is “symbolic” of the social media-based narcissism of the “Internet Generation.”
I have to go now. I have to go update my Facebook status (Laura is ranting.) And if you don’t want to read “25 Random Things About ME,” please feel free not to. But if you do read it and think I’m narcissistic, please blame my elementary school teachers.
February 18th, 2009 at 8:23 am
First, I do love french toast. Second, living in the middle of nowhere and not liking to talk much on the phone, these social networks/blogs are perfect– it’s kept me in more contact with friends–some long lost that I would not have been able to find without those networks. Lastly, reading these things takes me out of my own self absorbed life to see what others are thinking and feeling and to share a piece of their lives with them, even if just briefly.
Blog on!
February 18th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
I have to disagree: I think Facebook is destructive for maintaining friendships. Most people enjoy knowing what their acquaintances are up to, but the strong majority don’t want to invest the time to get together, make a phonecall (heaven forbid write a letter), or facilitate an active interaction. For this reason concepts such as text messaging and more recently Facebook have flourished, which may give the initial impression that you are more connected with these people…but in reality you’re not. Our closest friends aren’t our closest friends because we texted them or claimed them as friends on Facebook back in high school, college, and so forth – they were our partners in crime, the unjudging rock, and so on.
Of course, a fair retort is that we keep in touch with our closest friends anyhow, so applications like texting or Facebook can’t influence the bond we have with these people. Perhaps; but these aren’t the relationships to which I refer to above: I’m talking about the 90% of ‘friends’ on facebook whose friendship we accepted once and never contacted since…Facebook supports this apathy.
As for emailing things about yourself or posting about your daily life on a webite: that’s anything but narcissistic. But if you take the time to call me up and *then* read me off 25 things about yourself – well, then it is.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
David, I would argue that the 90% of “friends” we never contact on facebook are actually people with whom we would have NO connection whatsoever in the real world.
I know in my case, they are people I knew in high school or college, but not well. Without Facebook, I would have zero idea where they were living or what they were doing. In some cases, this would be no big deal (they probably don’t care what I am doing either). But with some of these people, I have been very interested to learn where they are, how many kids they have, etc. It’s sort of like getting the alumni newsletter and seeing what people have been up to, only with the opportunity to respond and say “hey, I have kids the same age.’
I would argue that rather than supporting apathy, Facebook facilitates these quick and easy connections. That is, if you use it that way. If you just read other people’s updates and never comment or contact them, then yeah, apathetic. But not any different from what your relationship to them would be without Facebook.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:53 am
I’m not trying to start a debate, but the description you just gave *is* voyeurism, which is what you argued Facebook was not in your original post. People one would never have contact with otherwise but now impersonally check in on their life to see what they’re up to…well, that’s what voyeurs do.
It certainly isn’t a bad thing, that was never my argument – I voyeur blogs all the time, and have a great time doing it. I said that Facebook was destructive to friendships:I don’t feel that the added convenience of knowing what someone is up to without having to know them in the first place really constitutes a ‘friendship.’
Whatever the case, Facebook is exceptional at doing what it intends: connecting Faces that wouldn’t normally be connected. I’d just be cautious at calling it Friendbook.*
* I debated erasing that phrase ‘Friendbook’ because it sounds pathetically dramatic, but now that I’m conditioning it with this * statement I feel that it is okay to leave in.
February 19th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I did not mean to imply that I think there is no element of voyeurism in Facebook. I was trying to say that I am interested in commentary/analysis that goes beyond just categorizing any form of social media as a wretched hive of narcissists and voyeurs.
I think, depending on how you use it, Facebook can enhance relationships OR detract from them. In my life, I believe it works for good, not evil. I am in touch with more people more often than I ever could be via phone, with 2 little kids screaming in the background all day long. I see this as allowing me to maintain friendships, as well as casual connections with people I know less well. I don’t see anything destructive about it. If you don’t like the idea of knowing what someone is up to without really knowing them, I would suggest being selective in who you “friend” and then using Facebook actively to comment, email or otherwise connect with those people.
OK, so you know what I think. (Facebook = good, for me.) You also know what David thinks (Facebook destroys friendships). Now I want to know what other people think. I know some of you read this blog daily and have lots of opinions. Tell us, please!
February 19th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
This is great. You’re good at writing essays. Also,
even though I constantly talk about your “generation” being more advanced than mine I defenitely don’t think
of it as being narcissistic.
February 19th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
As a quick note – Laura just commented to me on Facebook about our discussion which made me laugh out loud: the perfect retort!
Great discussion as always, Laura. Others?
February 19th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Just because you’re a narcissist doesn’t mean they don’t think you are awesome.
I wanted to comment on the original article/blog, but then in reading the comments I was sucked in and lost most of the train of my thoughts…I think it was a band of cowboys, I saw them unhitching the last three cars and couldn’t do anything but watch helplessly.
I don’t think social networking sites work against your friendship, unless you are silly enough to post something like “so and so is an idiot”. Mr. So-and-so might not like that much.
But I also think social networking doesn’t do alot for me to facilitate friendships. When I first got on MySpace I only approved “real” friends, and I would post events there…but eventually it fell off. It became too much effort to upkeep.
I think electronic “relationships” are similar to real world friendships in that you get out what you put in. I can show up at a random party chat up some folks and leave not to see them for years again, and it’s equivelant to shooting someone a friend request after years apart. Except for Laura…because she and I have always been two peas in a pod and haven’t left each others sight for more than 5 minutes ever…right?? ;p
February 19th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
First let me just start by admitting that I am in love with Facebook and, therefore, completely biased. But, my love affair started for a reason.
Having four young children, I have discovered that it is virtually impossible to:
1) leave the house
2) talk on the phone for more than 3 minutes
3) ever get out to socialize without my children
and
4) stay up long enough to “go out” with my young, hip, childless friends.
Because of these annoying side effects of having kids, I have found myself isolated much of the time, not having contact with adult humans for days on end.
Since I joined Facebook I can post my stupid comments on people’s walls that I would otherwise want to call them with, I can “chat” (a fact that I am extremely embarrassed about) with other friends who might happen to be on at the same time and I can keep up with what my husband is doing at work (he is required to social network with his job).
So, in short, I credit Facebook entirely for saving my sanity this long, drawn out winter.
Post on people! And, by the way, I too am completely fascinating at all times.
February 20th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Am I seriously the only person in the world that does not have a My Space or Facebook page??
February 20th, 2009 at 8:29 am
No one has MySpace anymore.
February 20th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I emailed you at catnamedpig@gmail.com.
And I totally agree with you – the whole 25 things list was cool.
February 21st, 2009 at 2:47 pm
My only comment is that I thank you for this post b/c I feel like it gives me permission to not read those lists posted by both friends and mere acquaintances. While I certainly like filling them out once in awhile and reading other’s at times as well, I easily OD on them and need a significantly long break from them. However, sometimes I feel guilty when I hit my burn out point and don’t want to read lists that others have posted, particularly those who are my good friends, but now, after reading this – I feel liberated! THANK YOU! And, to satisfy Dave’s point, perhaps I will call my friends to chat and ask them random questions about themselves instead of reading a list. That would likely elicit a more honest, less “trying to give a cool answer” anyway.
February 22nd, 2009 at 6:21 am
I just finished a Facebook IM chat with one of my favorite grade school friends whom I fell out of touch with 15 years ago. Facebook reunited us, and I’m not sure we could have done it any other way…maybe it isn’t as destructive as I thought?
David is reconsidering. (that’s a Facebook joke)