cat named pig

While we don’t have the results here to post yet, we just completed survived our third year of family portraits with the talented Rob Mueller. I should say now that any credit for artistic framing and/or simply getting everyone to look at the camera at the same time goes to Rob. There are, however, a few things we’ve found that make the photo session easier, in addition to finding a good photographer:

1. Jettison all concept of personal dignity. If you are a parent, you have probably already done so. Or at the very least you are making great strides toward no longer caring how you are perceived in public. Which is key for picture-taking, because when you are not in the shot yourself, you will be required to

a) dance like a monkey,

b) make monkey noises, and

c) yell things like “Take your hand out of your pants!” in order to get decent shots of your kids.

2. Choose a public place for the photo shoot. (Only  recommended if you have successfully completed Step 1 above.) While this will lead to inevitable distractions, you can also make the distractions work to your advantage. We did our pictures at the Farmer’s Market this morning, and had no shame about repeatedly yelling for Elliot to “LOOK! At the PUPPY! Right behind Rob’s head!” even when there may or may not have been an actual puppy walking by. (Another tip: scrupulous honesty is not necessarily your friend here.)

3. Opt for a mix of posed portraits where everybody (ideally) smiles at the camera and more candid shots of the family interacting, as a family. Important note: this will happen whether you want it to or not, so go ahead and decide in advance that you want this mixture. That way, you won’t feel frustrated when half your photos turn out looking like these, from last year:

Or this one:

[Siena: I'm so over this. I'm hiding behind my hair until we can leave. Laura: This is FUN! Stay ENTHUSIASTIC everyone! See how ENTHUSIASTIC I can be?!? Elliot: Get me outta here. NOW. Matt: I'm smiling, but I'm also gritting my teeth. Into a fine powder. I will spit tooth-dust into the grass as soon as this is over.]

4. Let go of the little things. Like looking normal. I let Siena wear a ballet tutu this year because I figured she’d be more cooperative if she got her way early on in the wardrobe negotiations. I drew the line, however, at Elliot’s chicken costume. (Apparently I still have some tiny scraps of dignity left somewhere.) He did get to pick his orange striped socks and he seemed happy enough with that in the end.

5. Ease up on the caffeine beforehand. See: every single picture of my gigantic smile above.

6. Be sure to reward everyone when the pictures are done. Last year, it was a round of mini-golf at the artist-designed course outside the Walker that we had been eyeing all summer. Followed by naps for the kids, and some recreational Vicodin TV and internet time for the adults. This year it was chocolate chip cookies and Oktoberfest beer samples at the market. Followed by dancing to German music for the kids and more recreational Vicodin beer samples for the adults.

Now we just have to wait and see how they turn out.